I’ve been a liar. yeah. i have.

what if I write back to myself. like this:

hey brian! (I feel like I’m listening)

ah now aware of my shifting mind/energies, I can feel the egoistic move towards writing to impress a reader.

I’ve always written to try to impress, and through the laudation and lionizing of my writing, I was validated. I could feel good about myself.

wow no wonder. every word a hollow needle in the ground, every letter a vampire tooth, in every space a vacuum. this is not good writing. it’s desperate, selfish, writing. which retrofits on the author. I am a desperate selfish writer!

oh shit! well I know now. that helps a lot. simply for self expression, that’s why to write. I just write for me. only me. just to push my heartmind out into the physical world just a little, make it real, so I encounter reality truly, that’s why I should do it. idk this might not make sense.

ugh all my words dripped with desire. drip* with desire. the desire to impress you the reader rose again…just now. its swims up in my mind, like a hunger for blood, my hair widows-peaks and my canines sharpen out to fangs

this is not good.

what would I do without the Sage advice of all the cultures of the world? die I’d be dead as hell. inside. I was.

god I was heading towards such a terrible life. so full of illusion, anger, pants too tight for me, bad knees.

damn my neighbors are banji as fuckkk. it’s a party with karaoke, a bunch of drunk ass adults, kids, and remote control cars. and I swear someone just smashed all the dinnerplates on the floor.

I’m grateful. idk. yeah. given the way out after all this time. so lucky that when I looked up, many gods came for me~

chuang tzu.
miyamoto musashi
surfing jesus.
conor mcgregor.
joseph campbell.
and ashtavakra.

what would I do without all of them. oh god. how they have changed my life. the anthropomorphed, collective. wisdom of humankind. they have saved my life by changing my life. my inner life.

for an asshole like me, things like this are helpful:

you are a student! not a teacher. you’re not the teacher. just a student. it is much better! wow srsly who wants the pressure of having to know everything?

let god surprise you.

you don’t have to believe in any punch or kick, any technique you use, just believe in you. thus, winning or losing makes no difference.

I feel vulnerable. haha that’s a good thing. that’s the idea.